Death...

Nobody wants to grow up.
It's a face at one point in our lives.
I think that after wanting to grow up and shit, I have realized that adulthood is full of misery and woe.

For instance, Christmas just doesn't feel the same anymore.
The magic, so to speak, has been lost along with the want for toys.

When I was younger, Christmas was the greatest time of the year because I got all of the toys I wanted. I was so surprised when I walked into the living room and saw my big present sitting in the middle of the floor, waiting for me to open it. Inside, there would be a mass of toys and other knick knacks. My dad would record all of our Christmases so that we could watch them later. Just thinking about it makes me smile and long to be 6 years old again to relive those moments.

As a child, you never stop to appreciate the little things. Even though I'm not an old biddy or anything, I can still look back on the past and reminisce. I can honestly say that I wish I could go back and just watch. Seeing what our faces looked like when we ripped open the fantastic wrapping paper would be the greatest present of all.

It's cliche and cheesy, but it's true.
Growing up is not as glorious as it seems when you are a child.
Adulthood is only full of disappointment and stress. We realize that we cannot have our childhood back and die a little on the inside when we think of how much we took our innocence for granted.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

C'est la vie...

Life has just been so confusing to me lately.
So, basically everything goes my way for a little bit, but then I somehow fuck it up.
This has happened to me twice already.
I just kinda want to escape from my everyday life for a while, you know?

The more I think about the future, the more excited I become.
And, the more I want to move on with my life and never look back.
For instance, since coming to college, I don't ever want to go to back.

I'm just going to tell my whole life and feelings, for this is long overdue.
Let's start at the beginning.

From what I can remember, as a child, I felt really left out from activities involving other children my age or my siblings. I know that it was mostly my fault for not playing with them or whatever, but I was just so different.
I have always been different.

I've been alone for my whole life. I always prefer to be alone and because of my shyness, I am alone. I feign that it doesn't hurt me, but sometimes it just hurts so bad. It's pretty much self inflicted, but it hurts nonetheless. Even in a small class, people don't know who I am. Having someone not know who you are when you've been in the same class for a whole semester hurts. So badly.

At school, I'm pretty shy. Like, it's to the point now, where I have anxiety before I do something. I get so anxious in class, when I have to talk and I get really red in the face. I have no idea why I am this way, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really make friends easily and have low self esteem.

I may seem like I'm really confident and self assured, but most of the time I'm not.
I HATE myself, basically. I HATE my looks, I HATE my body, and I HATE my hair, etc. I do not show people emotions that I don't want them to see. I don't open up to others easily. I HATE showing any kind of weakness. I think that it makes people perceive me as a lesser human if I cry or do something weak. I think it's an inferiority complex of some sort.

I keep everything pent up inside and when it releases, it's like a flood of drama. I really abhor anything dealing with showing a lot of emotion. I've had problems and have kept them inside without letting anyone know anything. A fact that most people don't know, and never would, is that I used to cut myself. The fact is, I did it because I wanted to. I didn't feel that it made me alive or whatever. I logically knew that it was wrong and bad for me, but I still did it anyway. I have no idea why.

As for now, I'm really trying to overcome all that's happened to me in my life. I'm, by no means, saying that my life has been excessively hard because it really hasn't. I've had a great life by most standards, but I've been plagued by internal struggle all of my life. I should probably get a counselor, but I refuse to talk about my feelings to some random stranger who will judge the living fuck out of me.

All I really want is to be accepted for who I am and be able to love myself. But I can't seem to do that. I honestly don't know what will happen to me if I continue living the way I am. I know that I have to change, but the truth of the matter is that I don't know if I can. And, that I'm scared of changing myself.

I don't want pity or sympathy from anyone, because I don't want it and won't respect anyone for it. This is one of the reasons why I don't go to counseling or anything. I hate people who constantly search for pity or sympathy from others. People like that deserve to live with whatever they want sympathy for.

I have problems and have to learn how to deal with them as I grow into adulthood.
It just sucks because I don't want to have to deal with my problems. But that could be detrimental to my mental health someday.

As for now, I'm going to take life one step for a time.
And see where it takes me.

I couldn't think of an appropriate title for this blog because it's just going to be about my ramblings and shit.
I guess I could call it 'Ramblings' or something, but I don't want to name it now.

Recently, I've gotten back into Spanish. Kinda.
I want to have Spanish as a minor in addition to my two other majors. The only thing is that I don't know if I should take a placement test to see where I should be, or should I just start at the bottom. I'm thinking that I should see if the lowest level is too elementary for me, then switch if I have to. I just don't want to feel like the 9 years of Spanish I have had are a waste.I just need to find someone who fluently speaks Spanish so that they can help me and stuff. Sadly, I do not know of any fluent Spanish speakers in Charlotte. GOD DAMNIT.

I don't know if I have written about this before, but I've decided what my religion is.
I am an Agostic Atheist. Sounds sweet, huh?
From what I take, it's a person who doesn't believe in God, but can't disclaim the notion that there may be some higher power out there.
This is the closest belief to what I think. See, I think that there is no God, but there is a slight possibility that some other power might be out there.

I've been fucked with too much to believe in any God. The Christian God always seems to fuck up my life, and it's annoying. Therefore, I don't believe in him/her/it.

Besides all of that theological bullshit, life has been pretty chill.
I'm just ready for this semester to be over and next semester to begin.
Christmas is coming soon, so I'm looking forward to that.

I guess I should go try to write my final paper for my English class. Me thinks that this will be the last English class I have to take. EVER.
I'm kinda sad, because I really like English, but whatevs.

Random

Um, I forgot to mention this in the other post.
My roommate and I want to get an apartment off campus next year and I wrote an argument for my parents to read about why they should let me do this. I'm actually going to post the entire letter on here.
Anyone who wants to read it, can.
Enjoy.

Dear parents,

As you both know, the next school year is closely approaching. This means that necessities have to be thought about. The most important component is the living aspect of it. Living in the high rise, I have realized that it is not for me. Sophomores can’t live in the high rises anyway, but this is beside the point. After doing some research, I have found that living off campus in an apartment is actually cheaper than living on campus in a suite or something. Now, I know that both of you are probably against this idea at first, but please let me try to persuade you.

Benefits of living off campus in an apartment:

^ A meal plan does not have to be bought

^ A parking permit does not have to bought

^ Year round living

^ cheaper (I’ll explain later on)

^ Higher quality of living

Not benefits of living in an off campus apartment

~ Monthly payments

As you can clearly see, the pros definitely outweigh the cons. Now that I have explained the benefits and such, I will show you the math to back my argument up.

THE BASICS

- Suites cost about $2111- $2661 a semester

- If I lived in a suite, I’d be required to get a meal plan. (the cheapest costs $1415)

Here is the estimate cost of living on campus in a suite:

$2111 ($2661) (cost of suite living per semester, cost usually $2111-$2661)

x 2 (number of semesters)

$4222 ($5322) (for living on campus in a suite. Rough estimate without meal plan)

$1415 (meal plan)

x 2 (number of semesters)

$2830

$4222 ($5322)+$2830+$310(parking)= $7362- $8432 a year, roughly

And, yes there are on campus apartments, but they run about $2198- $2666 a semester. They also do not require a meal plan, but one is recommended. The absolute cheapest plan is $499 a semester.

$2198 ($2666)

X 2

$4396 ($5332)

$499

X 2

$998

$4396 ($5332)+$998+$310= $5704- $6640 a year

Off campus estimated costs

$409 (unfurnished)

X 12 (leases are 12 months)

$4098

$434 (furnished)

x 12

$ 5208

Ok, to compare...

Living on campus would cost about $5330 to $6630 (in a suite) or $5704- $6640 (in an on campus apartment) as opposed to $4098 to $5208 a year. AND, an apartment lease is for a FULL YEAR, NOT just for the two semesters.

I think that the math speaks for itself, but I’m guessing that you might not. So, I’ve compiled a FAQ section.

1. Kelly, this is a good idea and all, but isn’t $434 a bit much for a monthly payment?

At first glance, it does seem like a lot of money to be paying. But I have learned that the rent includes ALL the utilities, cable tv and high speed internet access. So, it really evens out. Think of it this way, rent in a normal apartment is probably around $200 or more PLUS electricity and water and other. It would be so much more if the utilities were not included. The off campus living apartments are really all inclusive.

2. That all may be true, but we didn’t have to pay for your housing this year because of financial aid. How will this be any cheaper?

Very good question. Well, to be honest, it can’t really compare to having the government paying for housing. That being said, financial aid covering all costs is not a guarantee. I received a rebate check of about $1600 dollars this year, and that money could be used to pay the rent for almost 4 months. Nothing is guaranteed, but I think that relying on the aid of the government is not the best option I have.

3. We are not made out of money, and you don’t even have a job. We aren’t going to pay for this by ourselves forever. What do you plan on doing about this?

Look, I know that I do not have a job or any income. I have really been trying to get a job wherever I can. I also don’t plan on being unemployed forever. When I get a job I will pay all the rent, I promise. You both know that I am a responsible person and repay all debts I have. I’m really trying my best to get another job.

4. We’ll think about it. Have you thought about where and who you want to live with?

Indeed I have thought of a place to live and with whom. The complex is called The Edge, and it’s right next to the school on the same side of the street. It’s definitely within walking distance. The apartment I want to live in has 4 private bedrooms and bathrooms. The bedrooms are nicely sized and they each have a walk in closet. The kitchen has a stove and all that good stuff. The apartment also comes with a washer and dryer standard. There is an application fee of $25, but they are waiving the security deposit. The guy giving us the tour also told us that they usually have specials and stuff for summer. As for roommates, Kara and I want to room with each other again. We would also want to move in during July or early August, in order to get all settled in and stuff, There is a service to find compatible roommates and stuff, so we wouldn’t have to find more people to live with us. If you want more information about the Edge, go to www.edgestudenthousing.com. I can show you what the people there gave us, because we went on a tour of the property. All in all, it’s a really homey place that I could see myself living in. I also think that it was a gated property. I can’t remember exactly if it is or not, but they do have security guards patrolling and stuff.

I think that’s all I need to tell you for now. If you have any questions or anything, I’ll be glad to answer them if I can. Oh, for the information for the costs of living and stuff, please go to http://www.provost.uncc.edu/catalogs/2009-2010/PDF/13-financial%20info.pdf. It explains the costs and stuff for the 2009-2010 school year, which undoubtedly will change for the next school year.

Love,
Kelly

assassin...

I am listening to John Mayer's new cd Battle Studies and it is AWESOME.
I'm so glad that I bought it today.
Anyone who reads this should go to your nearest seller of cds and buy it.
Or buy it online somewhere.
It doesn't really matter as long as you do it.

Life has been normal; nothing exciting.
Except that I finally got rid of that ugly ass captive ball in my tragus.
Now I have a cute faux-diamond stud.
Tis vury cute.

I have been thinking about what I want next, and I came up with the idea of a dermal anchor in my chest.
Dermal anchors are more permanent than normal piercings; the bottom of the stud goes under the skin and the jewelry just screws in.
I want to get one right in the middle of my sternum, basically between my boobs.
I think it's quite unique and cute.

It's probably going to be the next thing that I do, but we'll see.

Wild..

Last night, my roommate and I went to a Halloween party.
It was AWESOME; I got piss ass drunk.

It's kinda weird because I remember most of what happened.
See, here's the thing- I've never really been drunk before.
I've always been the good girl and never really did anything bad.

But last night, I had 5 Guinnesses, 2 Coors Lites, and 3 Jello shots (I think they had vodka in them).
I didn't really do anything really crazy, but I did throw up. A LOT.

I remember that I felt so bad that I kept apologizing for throwing up' I did all this before I passed out.
I also cried a little because I felt bad.

On the bright side, I am told that I was a fun drunk.
I'm just glad that I wasn't a mean drunk or some other bad drunk.

I think I'll do it again sometime.
I thought it was fun.

News...

So, my roommate and I went backpacking this weekend.

It was BRUTAL.

But it was fun, when we weren't hiking up the damn mountain.

The people we went with were absolutely fun.

If anyone who reads this goes to UNC Charlotte, go sign up for a Venture trip if you love the outdoors and want to meet some great people.

Other than that, my life has been pretty chill.

But check out my roommate's vlog

I have a cameo appearance, and she's pretty funny.

DO IT.

=]

why?

I haven't even spoken to my boyfriend yet, and I don't know what to do.

I feel like he wants me to choose between him and my best guy friend.

This is not an easy decision; I can't just up and choose one over the other.

There are reasons why I would pick both, and there are reasons why I wouldn't choose either.

I don't want to be put through that situation.

I don't want to have to choose.

I want BOTH of them in my life.

Why can't I?

I also have a strange suspicion that if I make the wrong decision, I'll lose my boyfriend.

I don't want to lose him; somehow we mesh really well and I like that.

We are so different, but I realize that we actually work well together.

Just typing this makes me feel sad.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Hopefully it'll be good.

...

Last night my boyfriend started texting me.
Everything was going fine until I told him that I was visitng my friend at another college.
At this point he got pissed off for no reason.
Like, WHAT THE FUCK?!
He has no right to tell me who I can't see or talk to.

The two don't get along, but COME ON.
I went home for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT and he only saw me mayvbe twice both times.
I haven't seen my friend since school started.
It's his fucking fault for not coming to see me.

I got pissed off so bad last night.
I know he wnats to see me and all, but I can't only see him.
I can do what I want.

Since I started college, I feel as if he has changed for the worse.
He was jealous before, but now it's at a RIDICULOUS level.
He really has no reason to be jealous, but he is.
I'm not the type of girl to go out and cheat or anything.
It pisses me off that he is so jealous of other people.

We have to have a deep conversation about this the next time I go home.
If we can't work everythig out, I don't know if we can stay together.

realize...

I realized something today.

I realized that I don't want to go back to my hometown, if I do, it's just for visiting.

I don't ever want to live there again.

I hate it.

I hate the monotony, I hate everything about it.

Right now I feel as if I don't even want to go back to visit my family, but I know that I have to.

I'm so unhappy when I'm home because I feel as if I can't do the things I want to, but at school I can do what I want.

I like having the freedom to do what I want.

This is why I need to get a job; so I can have a reason to come back here during the summer months.

Also for money.

dorm blues...

I'm all alone in my dorm room; Kara went to watch a movie with a friend of hers.

So that leave little ole me here in the room.

It's cool though.

I don't mind being alone once in a while.

But it does make me start thinking.

I need to meet more people around campus, especially ones who can get me into parties.

Because there is really NOTHING to do at night on the weekends here.

Unless you go to Uptown Charlotte and the clubs.

I haven't ever been to the club, but I don't know if it for me.

I'm not one for dancing in public.

Whatevs.

I now have a cold, but don't know what causes it.

I haven't been around anyone with a cold or the sniffles.

But I didn't go to bed yesterday until 7am, which may have contributed to my sickness.

Hopefully it will pass in a few days or so.

I can't believe that it's September already.

Soon it will be Halloween and I can present my Lady GaGa costume to the WORLD!

It's going to be so bitchin.

I'm excited AS HELL.

I just need to find a party or something and I'll be set.

I just have to get the hook up with an insider into the party world.

Or maybe I'll go trick or treating.

Either way, I win.

=]

content...

So, I'm sitting in my dorm room listening to Erik Hassle.

And about to eat some rice when it is done cooling off.

It's a good day so far.

I woke up about an hour ago, and am very well rested.

Had some interesting conversations last night and the night before.

Maybe today will be just normal, which is completely fine with me.

OH! YESTERDAY I FUCKING LOST MY 49ER CARD.

PISSED ME THR HELL OFF.

I HAD TO BUY A GOD DAMN NEW ONE.

FOR $15.

PISS.

Classes are going well, and I'm getting along with my roommate, Kara.

I still haven't been to any parties, but I vow that I will soon. Hopefully.

I need to get some connections or something.

resolve...

I'm in the blogging mood this month.

My life hasn't really changed since the last time I blogged.

I think that I have diagnosed myself.

I noticed today that when I am not around my boyfriend, I feel like our relationship can't last, but when I'm near him, everything feels ok.

It's really fucking weird.

Do you ever have the feeling that you want to fast forward into the future?

Of course, you won't answer me because you are a computer/website.

I'm pretty sure that like one person actually reads what I write.

Whatevs, everyone else is missing out on an AWESONE read.

Not really, but it's cool.

Back to the future fast forward--I think that if I had the chance to glance into my future for like a minute, I'd do it.

I would want to see how my life ends up 10 years from now.

Like, where will I be living? What will I be doing? Will I have a family? Will I be in a relationship?

These are the questions that plague me at night.

I can safely assume that I'm interested in Psychology because I think WAY too much.

I always have something on my mind, and like to analyze situations and people thoroughly.

It's what I do. I enjoy it.

I'm pretty much a freak.

Basically.

I need to hit the gym or something.

I just feel really fat this week.

I also made a promise to myself that during college I would change my physique.

Which, hasn't really happened yet.

Maybe when I get a job and become more active, the weight will start to drop.

Highly unlikely, but I can still dream.

Seriously though, I need to lose a few inches off my waist.

I have major body image problems, but I have cause.

I have always been overweight, and have been the second heaviest person in my family.

Which is not the way it should be.

I'm tired of having to buy larger sizes, or being the biggest girl in a class.

I also HATE going shopping with people I don't know very well.

It stresses me out.

For reals.

My goal: To lose at least 15 pounds by Halloween.

I have to look hot in my costume.

Der.

I'll keep my progress posted every week or so, in order to keeo up my motivation.

=]

Again, I have the feeling that I don't want to be in my current relationship.

I don't know why these feelings suddenly creep up on me when I least expect it.

I think it may have something to do with me coming home and having the chance to see him.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't want to hurt him or anything, because he's a great guy, but I don't know if he's what I want.

I honestly don't think that I am in love with him.

I thought I was, but it was infatuation.

I'm hoping that I can get all of this straightened out soon, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the ending will not be pretty.

I just have to talk to him as soon as I can.

God, I hate my life.

Of course some shit like this would happen to me.

Just when I thought my life was mostly figured out, God fucking flips it upside down.

Why?

That's all I want to know.

This sucks.

mmm...

I'm back in my dorm room, just hanging out.
I have no idea why we haven't gone to sleep yet, because 9:00 comes REALLY early in the morning.
Whatevs.
I'm glad to be back. I missed having all my stuff and being here without the constant supervision of my parents.
But I do miss them, somewhat.

I may have solved the whole "I'm not sure if I want to stay with my boyfriend or not" dilemma.
I think that I want to see where our relationship goes, but if by Christmas I'm feeling the same way, I'll have to take action. I think it's a good solid plan.
I just hope that it works out for the best.

Oh. I think that I'm going to make an appointment to get my tattoo this week. I just REALLY want to get my half sleeve.
That's going to be first.
It's also going to be of a print by Hiroshige, who makes some kick ass prints.
I love them, and I may have found the one that I want on my arm.
I'll have to look a little bit more to make sure that it is what I want.

Damn, I have to email the tattoo place to see if they take Visa debit cards, but I don't see why they wouldn't.
Hopefully they will email me back soon.
I'll be pissed if they don't.

confusion...

I am so confused; I don't know what I want.
Here's my dilemma.

I have a boyfriend, and we've been together for about a year, but I don't know if I want to continue to be in a relationship with him. I feel like that my sister and brother have more fun with him, or he prefers to be with them over me. Which, most of the time, is ok with me. He says that he wants to be with me forever, but I don't know what I want. To be honest, I can't see myself being with him forever.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, it's just that I'm kinda leaning towards being only his friend and not his girlfriend. I don't want to hurt him, either. But I want to be happy, and I don't know how happy I will be with him. Sometimes I really enjoy being around him, but other times, I don't.

My life is so fucked up.
I guess this is just a part of growing up. If it is, I don't want to grow up. Ever.

college...

Yesterday was the first day of classes.
Everything went really well, if I must say so.
The only bad thing was that it was hot as balls outside and I had to walk everywhere.
But this is to be expected.

Today I have 3 classes; one at 9:30, 12:30 and 2:00.
I'm more anxious about today than I was about yesterday, because I don't know if I am technically registered for my English class.
I should be, but I'm not really sure; I didn't get any books or anything for it, so...
Whatevs.

On a good note, my roommate and I are getting along really well.
The other girls and guys in our dorm are skanky. For the most part.
They were yelling and shit, but then they got in trouble.
I though it was funny.

So far, I'm liking college.
Which is good.

move...

So, I moved into my dorm today.
I think everything went well, except that my mother decided to get teary eyed.
Thus, forcing me to get misty eyed.
I am proud of myself for not crying.

Other than this, the whole transition was smooth.
Well, I did have to park like 5 minutes away from my building.
Whatevs.

Overall, I think that I am ready to begin classes on Monday; however, I don't know everything that I need yet.
Hopefully by the end of the week I'll have everything I need.

Hopefully.

I'm moving in on Saturday, and couldn't be more excited.
But even though I am excited, I feel kinda sad.
I mean, it's quite normal to feel sad about leaving the place you have called home for the majority of your life, but there is no reason for me to feel sad about leaving this place.

Besides the people, there is absolutely nothing for me here.
I pretty much hate everything about where I am, yet I feel like I have so much to do before I leave.
It's a pretty dumb thing to feel, in my opinion.

Hopefully, my whole life will change for the better this weekend.
If not, I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.

I think it's time to just let all of my feelings out into the open.
It isn't good for someone to keep everything bottled up inside; which I tell people all the time, but I'm a hypocrite.
There are so many people I can talk to about my problems or concerns about life and whatnot, but I have problems talking to others about my worries because I think it makes me feel weak.

Which brings me to my problems.
1) I have difficulty opening up to others.
I have a fear of feeling weak or inferior to others. I absolutely hate crying in front of people or talking about my problems because I want to seem strong to them and appear that I have no weaknesses. But in actuality, I do have weaknesses; I am only human afterall. I'm slowly trying to open up to others, but it will take a long time for me to completely tell someone everything.

2)I have a lot of hatred within myself.
I really dislike most human beings I come in contact with, mostly due to my job. Sometimes I feel it would be better if I was a recluse and didn't have a lot of human contact, because I have become somewhat of a misanthrope. I feel as if I don't have any real friends, except for a couple. Everyone else I don't care about furthering a relationship with or anything. Very few people take the time to realize I'm alive, so why should I give a damn about them?

3) I am dreadfully shy in most situations.
Especially in school. I just don't reach out to people in school situations, but if I know that I probably will never see the people ever again, I'm not as shy. I think that some of my shyness stems from my love and preference for reading to human contact. Give me a good book and some music and I'm set for a while. I don't need to talk to someone at all times or be around people for long periods of time. I prefer to be alone.

4) I'm a naturally sad person, I believe.
I have had so many disappointments in my life, that I expect people not to come through for me. I expect the worst out of everybody, which is really sad. I don't mean to be the way I am, but I cannot help how I feel. Mostly at night I, when I think about my life and what has happened to me, I become depressed somewhat and cry, depending on the situation. I am alone and have been alone for most of my life. I am the only one I can depend on for everything. No one has always kept his word and done what was promised. And it hurts to think about all the things I have missed out on because of others.

5) I seem really confident, but I'm not.
I am one of the most cocky people you will ever meet, but I'm not as confident as I seem. I never feel as if I am the best at anything or can become the best. I second guess myself so much, and sometimes my nerves persuade me from not doing something I want to. It takes so much nerve for me to do the littlest things. I have to write notes to people because I get so nervous about talking to them in person, then I make excuses about it.

I am so messed up.
All I really want is someone to take the time to get to know the real me and not judge me for what I do or how I act.
It really hurts when people misunderstand me to ridiculous levels.
What hurts even more is that only one person has tried to break through my shell and understand who I really am.
But even he doesn't understand as well as he thinks he does.
It bothers me that people have perceptions about me, that are not true or will ever be true.

I can only hope for someone to completely understand me from inside and out, but am apprehensive about ever finding said person.
If I do, it will truly be a miracle.

Why...

I'm so tired.
Tired of what, you may ask?
Tired of people, tired of places, tired of uncertainty, just tired of it all.
The only thing that I look forward to is college.

Because this is my only chance to change my life.
I need this change so bad, it's killing me slowly.
I HATE my life right now; learning things that one shouldn't know can change a person's perception of others.

I have to completely overhaul my whole life. Everything.

Why is it that my whole life seemed to collapse on itself this past year?
I don't understand how some people can live in one place for so long.
Maybe I'm the weird one who has to have change every so often. Maybe other people enjoy where they live and the surroundings. I envy those people.

Is it too much to ask for a normal life?
Why should I be exposed to things I don't like or need to see?
I shouldn't have to hate going into my own fucking house after a certain hour, or worry about my brother who I haven't seen in 2 days.

Why does childhood have to end?
Why does life have to get more complicated by the second?
I have a feeling that this question will never be answered.

Woe...

So, right now I'm on a trip with a friend in Charlotte.
I should be trying to sleep, but I can only think about how much I miss my boyfriend.
Is there something wrong with me?
Maybe.

Sometimes I get this yearning feeling for him.
Kinda weird, but it happens.
I guess our relationship is based on love and not lust or anything.

So very lovely.

Rabble, Rabble...

So, the other night I came home around 6:30 in the morning after a great night hanging out with my boyfriend.
My dad asked me if I had come in at 6 and I said yes.
I went to work, as usual, and came home during my break to get some food from my house, and my mom FUCKING SCOLDS ME FOR COMING HOME AT 6:30.

She was all like, "you have a curfew and call when you aren't going to be home by the curfew, yadda yadda yadda."
In my head I was like, "Are you fucking serious?"
This whole situation pissed me off totally.

First off, she never told me or tells me when to be home. I have to call her and ask.
Secondly, my brother doesn't even come home sometimes, and she scolds me for coming in the house at 6:30?! WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL IS THAT BULLSHIT! He NEVER gets in trouble for it.
Thirdly, I am not a child. My parents treat me as if I'm a 7 year old and need to be protected. I swear that they want me to be sheltered and stay here for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I really hate living in my house. I want to be able to do what I want, and stay out as long as I want.
I am so fucking tired of being chastised for doing the exact same thing my brother does without scolding.
Currently, I have not seen my brother in 3 days and have they said anything about it or tried to contact him?
NOPE.


I rest my motherfucking case.

Good Day.

So today was graduation.
And I got a car.
Which makes today a good day.

I'm happy.
=]

Thoughts.

I found a paper with the names of some cars on it.
My dad apparently is doing research on different cars, but all of the cars he had written down are not to my liking.
This makes me discouraged because he has put me in a terrible position.

If I say that I don't like any of the cars he chooses, I'll look like a ungrateful bitch, when I'm not.
If I agree with a hideous car, I'm stuck with it.

I lose either way.

I mean, is it too much to ask for him to ask my opinion so we can collaborate?
I sent him an email about the Chevrolet Aveo and I saw on his computer some evidence that he has looked at some Aveos.
But I don't think he took my request seriously, because an Aveo is not on his list.

This whole situation is pissing me off and stressing me out.
It needs to be over, and he needs to get me an Aveo.
=]

The Scrutiny of Life.

I've decided that I'm going to take my time and examine my life as a whole.
I have no real reason as to why I'm embarking on this perilous journey into my psyche, except that it's time for me to face the truth.

Personality Wise
I'm quite weird; I'd prefer a good book and some music over a person any day of the week.
I am not your average teenager and I'm glad that I'm not like the masses of my generation. Bunch of fucking idiots, if you ask me.
I don't go to parties, I don't drink nor do drugs.
(I have never done any drug and refuse to lower my intelligence by using some stupid drug; I have no respect for someone who uses drugs. If you use drugs, stay the fuck away from me. Seriously.)
I'm probably what most would call a "goody two shoes" because I hardly ever get in trouble and haven't been grounded since I was like 9. I just prefer not to be in trouble; it wastes too much energy.

Physically
Yeah, I'm fat.
Not obese or anything, but definitely sorta overweight. I need to start working out and cutting back on my eating habits.
In all honesty, I'm not very pretty. I truly think that my look is unique compared to every other girl I see.
I just have a really ugly body, and prefer to wear clothes at all times. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when people touch me. It's kinda weird.

I'm the kid that no one notices until after a couple months or a year or something.
It's not that I don't want to be around other people, it's just that no one takes the time to get to know the real me. Very few people have, and I'm glad they did.
People don't hang around me enough to break down the barrier I put around myself. I always have up a front when it comes to people I don't know well.

I'm never going to be the uber-skinny, mega popular girl that most teens aspire to be.
I'm completely fine with this. I have never wanted to be the girl everyone wants to be like.
That's not who I am.

I am Kelly Erin Garrett.
And no one else.

future.

I'm kinda feeling doubtful right about now.
I'm back to thinking about what I usually think about.
Cars.

Right now, I seriously think that my parents are not going to get me a car for graduation because they haven't taken me to see any or to test drive any. Which kinda pisses me off.

I mean, my brother got a car for his graduation, and he was a terrible student.
I, on the other hand, am a good student and even finished school a week early, and may not get a car.
How much bullshit is that?

Regardless of what happens in the next weeks, I'm going to get a car this summer and take it to Charlotte with me.
If I don't have a car by graduation, I'm going to straight up ask them whether or not I should expect a car from them or not.
Because if not, I'm going to the bank to get a loan and I'm going to get me a damn car.

It really sucks not having my own car.
I can't do half of the stuff I want to do, because I have to ask to use the manvan.
Yes, I said MANVAN.
I drive an effing minivan.

It's really whatever though.
I'm kinda praying that my dad takes me out to look at cars today, considering that today is the last Saturday before graduation.
Probably not, but I can always hope, right?

end...

So, today was my last day of high school.
I'm finally done.
AND
I don't have to take any of my exams.
Thank God for exemptions.
=]


I'm just going to chill until graduation practice next week.
Which is a good plan, I think.

yah.

I'm so excited about this week.
Er, well about Friday.

On Friday, I get three things:
1. my yearbook
2. I get to leave school early, after Awards Day
3. I get my extensions in my hair.
It's going to be a good day. At least I hope it will be.


On another note, I'm also excited about college.
I want to move in and get started with my life in Charlotte.
But I'm also a little pissed off.
My parents are so weird; my mom gives me mixed signals about getting a car.

The other day, she was like "It'll be good if you drive next year." (She was referring to how close the parking lot is to my dorm.) In my head, I thought that she was basically telling me that I'll have that option next year because I'll have a car by the time school starts. But then, on Sunday, she was like, "You should look up the closest bus station. In case you want to come home during the week and no one can pick you up." WHAT THE FUCK. Why the hell would you infer to me that I will have the option of parking at school, but then tell me to look up the fucking bus station? By the way, the closest bus station is 15 minutes away; there's no goddamn way that I'm walking 15 minutes to the damn bus station. I WOULD STILL HAVE TO BE FUCKING PICKED UP AT THE BUS STATION WHEN I ARRIVE.

That shit pisses me off.

I mean, just let me know if I can expect a car for graduation or whatever, or if I should save up my money to get one during the summer. Regardless of what happens, I'm going to get a car this summer. I WILL NOT go another year without having my own car. It sucks so bad.

I just really need to get away from the tyranny of my parents. Don't get me wrong, they are good parents, but they piss me off constantly. My mom particularly. She is so against almost EVERYTHING I want to do. It bothers me so much. I just wish she would allow me to do what I want. This is why I had to sneak to get my lip pierced, because she didn't want me to. I don't want to have to sneak around to do stuff, but she forces me to by not letting me do anything. Frankly, I'm surprised that I'm allowed to go to college in a city that's an hour and a half away.

Here's my situation.
Even though I'm the middle child, I'm the golden child.
It's not as good as you'd think.
I have such a tight leash on, and my mom wants to go EVERYWHERE with me.
I'll have to ask her to drive her car, and then she says that SHE'LL GO WITH ME.
She NEVER does that or did that to my brother. I HATE IT. WITH A PASSION.

It's going to be so great when I get my car.
I'm going to be gone all day and come back really late.
Just because I can.
=]

ping...

My circadian rhythm is totally thrown off with the whole AP exam shit.
I probably failed one of them.
Well not fail completely, but still.

Jerry Springer is the BEST show ever created.
The stories are so outrageous, that you have to watch.
I just need to go to get my Jerry Beads.
Maybe I'll go during the summer one of these years.
Whatevs.

But graduation is about a month away, counting weekends.
We already have our cap and gowns, and mine is awesome.
Just like me.
=]

yeh..

Yesterday I went to get shorter posts for my labrets, and my plan was to maybe get my tragus pierced.

BUT

my mother went with me.
Ruined my damn plans.
Oh Well.

In other news, my ex and I are back together.
Now, some people say that you shouldn't go back to former bfs/gfs, but I don't care what other people say.
I don't quite know if other people realize this yet.

Most of the time I don;t give a damn about what anyone has to say, and it pisses many people off.
Whatevs. I don't care.
=]

Anyway, I HAVE A ROOM AND ROOMMATE CHARLOTTE.
She seems really nice, which is always a plus.
But my dorm building is really close to the entrance.
Always a plus.

My next endeavor is to get a car.
I hope that my parents aren't going to be homosexuals and not get me one for graduation.
They probably will get me one, but still.
=]

mhmm.

I haven't written in a couple days, so I decided to.
Not much has happened, but that's normal.
My life, as one may realize, is very very very boring.
Seriously.

But I am thinking about getting a tattoo this weekend or next weekend.
I have it all designed too, which excites me to no end.
What I want is pretty sweet; or at least I think so.

I want to have symbols for the four elements (water, fire, earth and wind) on my lower forearm. It'll be sweet.
Whenever I get it done, I'll post a picture.
=]

On another note, I HATE As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner. The whole goddamn book doesn't make any sense. How in the hell did he win a Nobel Prize for Literature?
Maybe it's just this book. Maybe his other books are decent.
But I digress.

fml.

I really need to contemplate my life.

Today I saw something that made me realize just how miserably terrible I am at anything romantic.

This guy that works with me, who is crazy by the way, has a new girlfriend.

HE JUST FUCKING HAD A DIFFERENT ONE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AGO.
WHAT THE FUCK!?

Why in the hell haven't I found anyone?
Maybe I'm just super unattractive or something, but it has been this way since forever.
I honestly don't know what the problem is. Do I have a scrambly face or something? Am I uber fat or smelly or something? I have NO idea.

For some dumb reason, I am not attractive at my high school, but in the real world, I am I guess.
I always seem to get the most creeper guys to hit on me or outright stare at me. It was flattering at first, but now it's just creepy beyond all reason.
Does that make any fucking sense at all?
No, it does not.


The only real flaw that I can think of is that I don't really socialize as much as I could in school. But I really don't care about 75% of my school or what they think.
It's not that I have a bad personality, I just don't feel like talking to people because I hate people. Seriously. I hate people.

Whatever. I just need to focus on AP exams and graduating. Then I'm done with high school.

God damn it can't come soon enough.

Huh...

I got a new laptop two days ago.
Well, actually it was for my dad but he got his old computer fixed.
I don't know why he chose that one over a brand new one.
I won't question it though.
His loss, my gain.

And I definitely know that God hates me.
Here's why: If he didn't absolutely abhor me, I would have gotten a car today.
My dad found a really cute Volkswagen Beetle, BUT OF COURSE IT WAS ALREADY FUCKING SOLD.
That shit pisses me off.
WHY GOD?!

Eff.

So listen to this shit.
I am scheduled to work fucking 12-8 on Sunday.
Which is Easter, by the way.

What the fuck?!
I'm NOT going. I don't care if they get mad.
I mean I wouldn't mind working a few hours, but all day?
Fuck that shit.

Other than that, my lip is healing nicely. Except that it gets crusty, which is kinda gross.
Whatevs.

B-day bliss...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES.
So I got spiderbites today. (They look awesome by the way.)
When I got pierced, it hurt much less than I thought it would and there isn't much pain right now. Just a little soreness and swelling. Not bad at all.

My parents reacted much different than I imagined. I thought there would be a whole lecture on how I disobeyed them and shit, but they were surprisingly chill about it. All my dad really said was that he knew I was going to do something like this, but it was my choice, so whatever. My mom only said that she didn't like it at all.

I've had a pretty good 18th birthday. I can't really complain about anything, except that I have to go to work at 8. Which sucks so much balls.

Whatevs.
=]

Ah...

Well so far everything is going according to plan, but I cannot be absolutely sure that it will on Saturday.
Hopefully..

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get spiderbites. Either that or my nose.
I'll just have to decide by Saturday. And apparently you do not have to make an appointment to get piercings; you just walk in and they do what needs to be done.

I think that my parents will be a little mad, but it's not like it will be permanent or anything. Piercings can always heal up after a while.
I just want to get something that is different and people notice fairly quickly. I do not care what they have to say. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. They just need to keep it to themselves.

=]

Uh...

So, I think that I figured out what to do about the whole tattoo situation.
I think that I'll get a piercing on Saturday, and if the shop has an opening, get a tattoo. It may not be the one that I wanted, but at least it'll be a tattoo.

Now I just have to decide on what piercing I want to get. I think that I'll get my tongue or spiderbites. It's a toss up, really. I still have to make an appointment, though. The only problem is that I don't know how I'm going to get around my mom and go. I need to make the appointment as soon as possible.

If all doesn't go according to plan, then this will be the worst birthday I've ever had. Seriously.

So...

So, I'm pretty much pissed off. See, here's what's happening.


My 18th birthday is on Saturday, and I want to get a tattoo. Me, thinking I'd be the good child, decided to tell my parents my idea. They, of course, don't understand. I'm so fucking tired of having to do everything by their rules, and I want to do what I want. This is not a large request, or am I just crazy?


They gave me this whole lecture on how I have to think about what other people think; which is SO STUPID. Because I don't give a damn about what other people think of me. PLUS, IT"D BE FUCKING COVERED UP BY MY GODDAMN CLOTHES. I'm not going to go around wearing teeny tanktops or shit like that.


Whatevs, I'm still going to go get it. My dad came to me and was like, "Knowing you, you're probably going to go out Saturday morning and do it. We can't really do anything, but we'll be angry. I just want you to think about it." This is basically telling me that I can go get it. Which is what I'm going to do. I just don't care right now. If I have to hitchhike to get there, I'll do it.

What right do they have to tell me what to do with my body? THEY don't have to live with my decisions, I DO. And the fact that my mom basically condemned all tattooed people as being brutish and whorish for the ladies makes me really HATE everything she stands for. How can you say that? She even said I'm an idiot for wanting a big tattoo. She only thinks about the negative stuff that COULD happen, but won't NECESSARILY happen. Pisses me off.

They are completely crazy if they think that I won't get a tattoo on my birthday.
Because I am.
=]