why?

I haven't even spoken to my boyfriend yet, and I don't know what to do.

I feel like he wants me to choose between him and my best guy friend.

This is not an easy decision; I can't just up and choose one over the other.

There are reasons why I would pick both, and there are reasons why I wouldn't choose either.

I don't want to be put through that situation.

I don't want to have to choose.

I want BOTH of them in my life.

Why can't I?

I also have a strange suspicion that if I make the wrong decision, I'll lose my boyfriend.

I don't want to lose him; somehow we mesh really well and I like that.

We are so different, but I realize that we actually work well together.

Just typing this makes me feel sad.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Hopefully it'll be good.

...

Last night my boyfriend started texting me.
Everything was going fine until I told him that I was visitng my friend at another college.
At this point he got pissed off for no reason.
Like, WHAT THE FUCK?!
He has no right to tell me who I can't see or talk to.

The two don't get along, but COME ON.
I went home for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT and he only saw me mayvbe twice both times.
I haven't seen my friend since school started.
It's his fucking fault for not coming to see me.

I got pissed off so bad last night.
I know he wnats to see me and all, but I can't only see him.
I can do what I want.

Since I started college, I feel as if he has changed for the worse.
He was jealous before, but now it's at a RIDICULOUS level.
He really has no reason to be jealous, but he is.
I'm not the type of girl to go out and cheat or anything.
It pisses me off that he is so jealous of other people.

We have to have a deep conversation about this the next time I go home.
If we can't work everythig out, I don't know if we can stay together.

realize...

I realized something today.

I realized that I don't want to go back to my hometown, if I do, it's just for visiting.

I don't ever want to live there again.

I hate it.

I hate the monotony, I hate everything about it.

Right now I feel as if I don't even want to go back to visit my family, but I know that I have to.

I'm so unhappy when I'm home because I feel as if I can't do the things I want to, but at school I can do what I want.

I like having the freedom to do what I want.

This is why I need to get a job; so I can have a reason to come back here during the summer months.

Also for money.

dorm blues...

I'm all alone in my dorm room; Kara went to watch a movie with a friend of hers.

So that leave little ole me here in the room.

It's cool though.

I don't mind being alone once in a while.

But it does make me start thinking.

I need to meet more people around campus, especially ones who can get me into parties.

Because there is really NOTHING to do at night on the weekends here.

Unless you go to Uptown Charlotte and the clubs.

I haven't ever been to the club, but I don't know if it for me.

I'm not one for dancing in public.

Whatevs.

I now have a cold, but don't know what causes it.

I haven't been around anyone with a cold or the sniffles.

But I didn't go to bed yesterday until 7am, which may have contributed to my sickness.

Hopefully it will pass in a few days or so.

I can't believe that it's September already.

Soon it will be Halloween and I can present my Lady GaGa costume to the WORLD!

It's going to be so bitchin.

I'm excited AS HELL.

I just need to find a party or something and I'll be set.

I just have to get the hook up with an insider into the party world.

Or maybe I'll go trick or treating.

Either way, I win.

=]

content...

So, I'm sitting in my dorm room listening to Erik Hassle.

And about to eat some rice when it is done cooling off.

It's a good day so far.

I woke up about an hour ago, and am very well rested.

Had some interesting conversations last night and the night before.

Maybe today will be just normal, which is completely fine with me.

OH! YESTERDAY I FUCKING LOST MY 49ER CARD.

PISSED ME THR HELL OFF.

I HAD TO BUY A GOD DAMN NEW ONE.

FOR $15.

PISS.

Classes are going well, and I'm getting along with my roommate, Kara.

I still haven't been to any parties, but I vow that I will soon. Hopefully.

I need to get some connections or something.

resolve...

I'm in the blogging mood this month.

My life hasn't really changed since the last time I blogged.

I think that I have diagnosed myself.

I noticed today that when I am not around my boyfriend, I feel like our relationship can't last, but when I'm near him, everything feels ok.

It's really fucking weird.

Do you ever have the feeling that you want to fast forward into the future?

Of course, you won't answer me because you are a computer/website.

I'm pretty sure that like one person actually reads what I write.

Whatevs, everyone else is missing out on an AWESONE read.

Not really, but it's cool.

Back to the future fast forward--I think that if I had the chance to glance into my future for like a minute, I'd do it.

I would want to see how my life ends up 10 years from now.

Like, where will I be living? What will I be doing? Will I have a family? Will I be in a relationship?

These are the questions that plague me at night.

I can safely assume that I'm interested in Psychology because I think WAY too much.

I always have something on my mind, and like to analyze situations and people thoroughly.

It's what I do. I enjoy it.

I'm pretty much a freak.

Basically.

I need to hit the gym or something.

I just feel really fat this week.

I also made a promise to myself that during college I would change my physique.

Which, hasn't really happened yet.

Maybe when I get a job and become more active, the weight will start to drop.

Highly unlikely, but I can still dream.

Seriously though, I need to lose a few inches off my waist.

I have major body image problems, but I have cause.

I have always been overweight, and have been the second heaviest person in my family.

Which is not the way it should be.

I'm tired of having to buy larger sizes, or being the biggest girl in a class.

I also HATE going shopping with people I don't know very well.

It stresses me out.

For reals.

My goal: To lose at least 15 pounds by Halloween.

I have to look hot in my costume.

Der.

I'll keep my progress posted every week or so, in order to keeo up my motivation.

=]

Again, I have the feeling that I don't want to be in my current relationship.

I don't know why these feelings suddenly creep up on me when I least expect it.

I think it may have something to do with me coming home and having the chance to see him.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't want to hurt him or anything, because he's a great guy, but I don't know if he's what I want.

I honestly don't think that I am in love with him.

I thought I was, but it was infatuation.

I'm hoping that I can get all of this straightened out soon, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the ending will not be pretty.

I just have to talk to him as soon as I can.

God, I hate my life.

Of course some shit like this would happen to me.

Just when I thought my life was mostly figured out, God fucking flips it upside down.

Why?

That's all I want to know.

This sucks.