mmm...

I'm back in my dorm room, just hanging out.
I have no idea why we haven't gone to sleep yet, because 9:00 comes REALLY early in the morning.
Whatevs.
I'm glad to be back. I missed having all my stuff and being here without the constant supervision of my parents.
But I do miss them, somewhat.

I may have solved the whole "I'm not sure if I want to stay with my boyfriend or not" dilemma.
I think that I want to see where our relationship goes, but if by Christmas I'm feeling the same way, I'll have to take action. I think it's a good solid plan.
I just hope that it works out for the best.

Oh. I think that I'm going to make an appointment to get my tattoo this week. I just REALLY want to get my half sleeve.
That's going to be first.
It's also going to be of a print by Hiroshige, who makes some kick ass prints.
I love them, and I may have found the one that I want on my arm.
I'll have to look a little bit more to make sure that it is what I want.

Damn, I have to email the tattoo place to see if they take Visa debit cards, but I don't see why they wouldn't.
Hopefully they will email me back soon.
I'll be pissed if they don't.

confusion...

I am so confused; I don't know what I want.
Here's my dilemma.

I have a boyfriend, and we've been together for about a year, but I don't know if I want to continue to be in a relationship with him. I feel like that my sister and brother have more fun with him, or he prefers to be with them over me. Which, most of the time, is ok with me. He says that he wants to be with me forever, but I don't know what I want. To be honest, I can't see myself being with him forever.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, it's just that I'm kinda leaning towards being only his friend and not his girlfriend. I don't want to hurt him, either. But I want to be happy, and I don't know how happy I will be with him. Sometimes I really enjoy being around him, but other times, I don't.

My life is so fucked up.
I guess this is just a part of growing up. If it is, I don't want to grow up. Ever.

college...

Yesterday was the first day of classes.
Everything went really well, if I must say so.
The only bad thing was that it was hot as balls outside and I had to walk everywhere.
But this is to be expected.

Today I have 3 classes; one at 9:30, 12:30 and 2:00.
I'm more anxious about today than I was about yesterday, because I don't know if I am technically registered for my English class.
I should be, but I'm not really sure; I didn't get any books or anything for it, so...
Whatevs.

On a good note, my roommate and I are getting along really well.
The other girls and guys in our dorm are skanky. For the most part.
They were yelling and shit, but then they got in trouble.
I though it was funny.

So far, I'm liking college.
Which is good.

move...

So, I moved into my dorm today.
I think everything went well, except that my mother decided to get teary eyed.
Thus, forcing me to get misty eyed.
I am proud of myself for not crying.

Other than this, the whole transition was smooth.
Well, I did have to park like 5 minutes away from my building.
Whatevs.

Overall, I think that I am ready to begin classes on Monday; however, I don't know everything that I need yet.
Hopefully by the end of the week I'll have everything I need.

Hopefully.

I'm moving in on Saturday, and couldn't be more excited.
But even though I am excited, I feel kinda sad.
I mean, it's quite normal to feel sad about leaving the place you have called home for the majority of your life, but there is no reason for me to feel sad about leaving this place.

Besides the people, there is absolutely nothing for me here.
I pretty much hate everything about where I am, yet I feel like I have so much to do before I leave.
It's a pretty dumb thing to feel, in my opinion.

Hopefully, my whole life will change for the better this weekend.
If not, I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.

I think it's time to just let all of my feelings out into the open.
It isn't good for someone to keep everything bottled up inside; which I tell people all the time, but I'm a hypocrite.
There are so many people I can talk to about my problems or concerns about life and whatnot, but I have problems talking to others about my worries because I think it makes me feel weak.

Which brings me to my problems.
1) I have difficulty opening up to others.
I have a fear of feeling weak or inferior to others. I absolutely hate crying in front of people or talking about my problems because I want to seem strong to them and appear that I have no weaknesses. But in actuality, I do have weaknesses; I am only human afterall. I'm slowly trying to open up to others, but it will take a long time for me to completely tell someone everything.

2)I have a lot of hatred within myself.
I really dislike most human beings I come in contact with, mostly due to my job. Sometimes I feel it would be better if I was a recluse and didn't have a lot of human contact, because I have become somewhat of a misanthrope. I feel as if I don't have any real friends, except for a couple. Everyone else I don't care about furthering a relationship with or anything. Very few people take the time to realize I'm alive, so why should I give a damn about them?

3) I am dreadfully shy in most situations.
Especially in school. I just don't reach out to people in school situations, but if I know that I probably will never see the people ever again, I'm not as shy. I think that some of my shyness stems from my love and preference for reading to human contact. Give me a good book and some music and I'm set for a while. I don't need to talk to someone at all times or be around people for long periods of time. I prefer to be alone.

4) I'm a naturally sad person, I believe.
I have had so many disappointments in my life, that I expect people not to come through for me. I expect the worst out of everybody, which is really sad. I don't mean to be the way I am, but I cannot help how I feel. Mostly at night I, when I think about my life and what has happened to me, I become depressed somewhat and cry, depending on the situation. I am alone and have been alone for most of my life. I am the only one I can depend on for everything. No one has always kept his word and done what was promised. And it hurts to think about all the things I have missed out on because of others.

5) I seem really confident, but I'm not.
I am one of the most cocky people you will ever meet, but I'm not as confident as I seem. I never feel as if I am the best at anything or can become the best. I second guess myself so much, and sometimes my nerves persuade me from not doing something I want to. It takes so much nerve for me to do the littlest things. I have to write notes to people because I get so nervous about talking to them in person, then I make excuses about it.

I am so messed up.
All I really want is someone to take the time to get to know the real me and not judge me for what I do or how I act.
It really hurts when people misunderstand me to ridiculous levels.
What hurts even more is that only one person has tried to break through my shell and understand who I really am.
But even he doesn't understand as well as he thinks he does.
It bothers me that people have perceptions about me, that are not true or will ever be true.

I can only hope for someone to completely understand me from inside and out, but am apprehensive about ever finding said person.
If I do, it will truly be a miracle.