Life has just been so confusing to me lately.
So, basically everything goes my way for a little bit, but then I somehow fuck it up.
This has happened to me twice already.
I just kinda want to escape from my everyday life for a while, you know?
The more I think about the future, the more excited I become.
And, the more I want to move on with my life and never look back.
For instance, since coming to college, I don't ever want to go to back.
I'm just going to tell my whole life and feelings, for this is long overdue.
Let's start at the beginning.
From what I can remember, as a child, I felt really left out from activities involving other children my age or my siblings. I know that it was mostly my fault for not playing with them or whatever, but I was just so different.
I have always been different.
I've been alone for my whole life. I always prefer to be alone and because of my shyness, I am alone. I feign that it doesn't hurt me, but sometimes it just hurts so bad. It's pretty much self inflicted, but it hurts nonetheless. Even in a small class, people don't know who I am. Having someone not know who you are when you've been in the same class for a whole semester hurts. So badly.
At school, I'm pretty shy. Like, it's to the point now, where I have anxiety before I do something. I get so anxious in class, when I have to talk and I get really red in the face. I have no idea why I am this way, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really make friends easily and have low self esteem.
I may seem like I'm really confident and self assured, but most of the time I'm not.
I HATE myself, basically. I HATE my looks, I HATE my body, and I HATE my hair, etc. I do not show people emotions that I don't want them to see. I don't open up to others easily. I HATE showing any kind of weakness. I think that it makes people perceive me as a lesser human if I cry or do something weak. I think it's an inferiority complex of some sort.
I keep everything pent up inside and when it releases, it's like a flood of drama. I really abhor anything dealing with showing a lot of emotion. I've had problems and have kept them inside without letting anyone know anything. A fact that most people don't know, and never would, is that I used to cut myself. The fact is, I did it because I wanted to. I didn't feel that it made me alive or whatever. I logically knew that it was wrong and bad for me, but I still did it anyway. I have no idea why.
As for now, I'm really trying to overcome all that's happened to me in my life. I'm, by no means, saying that my life has been excessively hard because it really hasn't. I've had a great life by most standards, but I've been plagued by internal struggle all of my life. I should probably get a counselor, but I refuse to talk about my feelings to some random stranger who will judge the living fuck out of me.
All I really want is to be accepted for who I am and be able to love myself. But I can't seem to do that. I honestly don't know what will happen to me if I continue living the way I am. I know that I have to change, but the truth of the matter is that I don't know if I can. And, that I'm scared of changing myself.
I don't want pity or sympathy from anyone, because I don't want it and won't respect anyone for it. This is one of the reasons why I don't go to counseling or anything. I hate people who constantly search for pity or sympathy from others. People like that deserve to live with whatever they want sympathy for.
I have problems and have to learn how to deal with them as I grow into adulthood.
It just sucks because I don't want to have to deal with my problems. But that could be detrimental to my mental health someday.
As for now, I'm going to take life one step for a time.
And see where it takes me.
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