Day 09

My roommate and I were talking about our deepest desires and fears. I haven't really thought about it much until now. I realize what my deepest desire is.

My deepest desire is to be understood. It's really cliché and overused, but it's the truth. Nobody knows who I really am; nobody has ever known. The only person people may have known was the younger me, before I became what I am today. I can't really blame anyone but myself. I just don't let people in my head. It's a constant struggle within myself. It's like, I want to people to see me for who I am but the truth is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of people judging me. This is the most ridiculous notion I have ever heard in my life, but it's what makes me work. This fear stops me from doing so many things in my life; I never make the first move for basically anything. Now, there are exceptions to every rule but for the most part, I don't go first. My future seems especially bleak when it comes to human contact. I don't see myself having very many close contacts as I get older, as much as I want to pretend I can see it, I can't.

I put on a great façade, that I'm this self assured person or that I'm completely happy with myself but this is complete bullshit. I hate myself most of the time and I have pretty low self esteem. I can cover up the fact that I have so many problems very well; I've been doing it for years. I don't want everyone to look at me and feel sorry for me. I know that I'm crazy for thinking that everyone will pity me just because I have problems, but that's just the way I think and feel. I'm a naturally sad person, I believe. I don't want to be this way, it just happened. I am so insecure about myself that it hinders my life. I just don't have the confidence to do all the things I want to. I believe that I'm a good person who a lot of people would like but I don't show it. I don't think that I started out as painfully shy as I am now, but I'm so shy that I feel like I'm trapped inside my head sometimes. I physically feel that I can't say things sometimes. It's quite ridiculous.

There are just so many things in my life that I keep hidden and it's starting to eat me alive. One of these days, I'm going to end up developing a disorder or something serious. I don't know if I can handle all that's going on in my head. I'm actually surprised that I haven't turned to hardcore drugs or anything to cope. I just keep everything bottled up inside. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget everything about my life and start over. If I did, then maybe life wouldn't be so terrible.