As you know, I cut myself.
I understand what I'm doing, but I do not understand WHY I do it.
For more cases, it's because the self mutilator feels powerless or emotionless so the action is done so that they can feel pain. For me, that's not the case. I do feel in control of my life and can express emotions and feel. My problem is that I don't express my feelings. This may play a huge part in why I do this. Because I know that it's wrong, but I do it anyway.
The thought has occurred to me that maybe subconsciously my mind is telling me to do it in order to draw attention to myself, like a cry for help. This is a very possible reason, but I don't know if it is the only reason. I truly believe that one factor is that I like pain. I enjoy getting piercings and tattoos, so it makes sense that I would enjoy this action. I'm always looking to get another piercing or tattoo but I have to stop myself from getting one because of the money issue. Maybe cutting is my way of feeling the pain of getting a piercing or tattoo without actually getting one. Of course, these are only theories. I cannot say what the root of the problem is, but one day I hope to find out what is the cause. I just want to know what drives me to hurt myself in such a way when I know it's bad for me and those around me who know what I do.
I can't say that this couldn't have been avoided. I blame myself for it escalating to the point it is now. A couple of years back, I was cutting almost every week. Like, it was serious. I had to plan inside my mind what arm I was going to cut and different scenarios where it could have been exposed; I had to avoid these at all costs. I even made up lies about my neighbour's cat scratching my hand up one time. It was a real problem. When I get the razor out to cut my skin, my heart races. I make a cut and sometimes I lose track of what I'm doing; it's like I go into a trance. I usually end up making up to 20 shallow cuts on my arm at a time. I have only made about 2 scars throughout the past 5 years this has been going on.
I could have told someone about this, but I didn't. I don't like to let people get too close to me because I feel that they will let me down or judge me or something. I have low self esteem, but would never show it. I hate having people feel sorry for me or thinking that I can't do something. I'll go more in depth about this later.
I truly have deep rooted psychological problems.
And I'm afraid that I can't fix them.
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