Day 02

Alright, my childhood.

I can't say that my childhood was especially hard or anything, because I had a great childhood.

I don't remember anything being bad until I got to be in middle school.

Now, most kids have that awkward middle school phase and shit. I'm no exception, but around the 6th and 7th grade I began getting really involved in computers and the internet. One summer, I don't remember which, I literally stayed in all summer and read quizzes and stories on a site called Quizilla. I became obsessed with the stupid romance ones about fictional characters and shit, and honestly I wanted to believe in some of the stories. Hell, they were much better than my real life.

I didn't have any kind of bad self image issues until the 8th grade. I began to think I was fat, and I still do to this day. I didn't like my hair or anything about me; I also felt inadequate to others girls because they had boyfriends and shit like that. I also picked up some bad habits. I smoked my first cigarette in 8th grade and began to cut myself.

I remember my first experience cutting myself like it was yesterday. Some girls in my class said something about cutting to me. It sounded like they were accusing me of cutting, but I had never thought about it until that day. So that afternoon I went home and got a pair of manicure scissors and tried to use it like a razor. It didn't really work too well because the skin just kinda puffed up and got red; the skin didn't break. I went over the mark with another pair of scissors and it work. Immediately afterwards I felt that it was a stupid choice and thought that my parents would see it. I was so scared the whole time it was healing. After that day, I began to get, for lack of a better word, skilled at what I was doing. I stole razors from my parents and used them; at one time, I had like 10 razors in my room--hidden. I'll elaborate on this more in a later entry.

I think that once my brother hit 16, everything began to change. We were really close when we were younger but we fell apart somewhere. I honestly don't know how it happened, but it did. If I could give up everything I have to get that relationship we had back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I honestly don't know if we can get back what we had. I want to be close again, but I've been so disappointed by him and I don't know if my heart can take anymore pain. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights over him and I don't want that to happen ever again. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but I pray that everything turns out ok.

I actually cried while writing this, so I hope my pseudotherapy works out for me.

Because I need it.